The Chosen Family: Emma, Our Ugandan Adoption / Part 3

Well, here's my part of the story...

Jacob and I made our flights ok, with the exception of a couple close calls on short layovers.  Oh, yeah, I think we did miss our flight out of Dallas to Tulsa due to customs and such.  We arrived right as they were closing the door.  They would hear nothing of letting us in.  No biggy, but we were tired and wanted to get home to our kiddos.

 Me thinks the booking agent was a comedian!

We finally made it home though.  I had my first experience with lost baggage, but it was eventually recovered.  The kids were excited to see us.  Dawn and my Mom had been taking care of them.  They did awesome, but my kiddos missed their daddy.  Big Sis was greatly appreciated.  She would continue to help out quite a bit over the next 6 weeks as we waited for Kim to return with baby brother.  

Jacob and I each strapped on our aprons and took on the task of House Dads.  I promise you I realize the next few weeks weren't as sacrificing for us as they were for the ladies back in Africa.  But hey, this was new territory for us too.  The kids pitched in and such though.  I was still working full time during the day so it really was tough.  I know,"Waah!"

The girls pitched in and folded clothes.

 

Honestly. These were some of the hardest weeks of my life.  I managed the house stuff ok.  Though I must admit Jacob and I both hired somebody to clean up our mess just before the ladies got home.  It was hard to keep up with the kiddos too.  But those weren't the big deal.  My kids missed their momma and so did I.  We had Christmas without them and everything.  I wanted my family back together.

The kids all got scooters for Christmas but no Mama.

The kids all got their hair fixed for Mom as we prepared for her and Emma's homecoming...

Even dad did a little stylin'

Oh well, I have bored you enough with my days as a house dad.  I survived and it was good for me.  Meanwhile, back in Africa...

To be continued...

The Chosen Family: Emma, Our Ugandan Adoption / Conclusion

Well, as we enjoyed the conveniences of American society, our wives were left to fend for themselves and our boys in Africa.  We had intended that Michael, our adult son who was very well versed in the African culture, would be landing in Entebbe just after our departure.  He would be there as male protector of our families.  Women's liberation hasn't quite took hold in Uganda at this point.  Well, Michael's arrival was delayed a few days and he ended up leaving a couple weeks before the girls were ready to leave, so the girls were without male protection for much of their stay.  That was a trying experience in and of itself. 

If they went to the store or town for some reason they were reliant on either the orphanage staff or public transportation.  I promise you, you haven't experienced public transportation until you have ridden a taxi in Kampala.  A taxi was a van a little bigger than a min-van with a legal limit of I believe 15 passengers.  If they thought they could get by with it they would cram in more.  This could be a very compromising situation without male companionship, especially if she was white and did not understand their language.

Then there was the general frustration of dealing with the cultural gap.  The official language of Uganda is English, but their culture is far from Western.  They are good proud people in their own right, but what is good to them may not be so good to us.  Honestly, that is mostly one of those things I simply must qualify with, you would just have to experience it for yourself.

They were in an accident in which they discovered their driver was unlicensed and uninsured.  Then they expected Kim and Sarah to pay the penalties and insurance since he was kind of sort of in their hire.  It was then that we were fortunate that Michael was there.  They didn't pay it, but this victory didn't happen without hurt feelings.  They were also pulled over and almost arrested on one occasion.  Bribery is a common practice of coping with authority there of which they learned all too well.

The immigration process for the boys was a nightmare.  Emma's medical test raised questions, which scared us parents much.  That worked out but was scary for a bit.  Too much went wrong to recall in detail.  When it came time to come home, much like going over, phone calls were being made. in the wee hours of the night to the American embassy to get the boys cleared to come home to the US.

You know what though, as frustrating as the process was, God did provide.  The ladies made it home with our boys.  We remember all the negative, but the good from that trip far out weighs the negative.  We are now blessed with one of the most precious seven year old boys in the world.  He has mostly mastered the American language and culture.  He still has a heavy accent, but loves steak and baked potatoes.  He is a soccer whiz and cant wait to start basketball maybe next year.  He dreams of being a police officer.  Over there that has an resonance to it, but here he has learned that police officers are to be trusted.

Can you imagine the shock this boy who had hardly ever experienced temperatures of cooler than 65, when he got off the plane in subfreezing weather and saw snow on the ground for the first time ins his life?!   That was what Emma exited the airport to.  It was dark, cold, and late, but he would not get into the van until his new big brother Michael had thought him how to make his first snowball.

The trials have continued.  We did not imagine what it would be like to bring in a fourth child (into the home), especially an older four year old, and then, other than that, had been abandoned by his mother and raised in an orphanage.  The adjustments have been much for him and us, but the reward is great.

The Chosen Family: Hannah, Hannah Can

Hannah and I were on one of our periodic walks and Father/Daughter times.  It had not been long since I had been diagnosed with Parkinson's.  Of course she was wearing her runner prosthetics.  We were meandering over the bridge between our house and town. I was holding her hand as always to keep her from falling on the uneven payment.  Anymore though, I think she was holding me up as much or more than I was her.  For whatever reason we were talking about heaven this particular father-daughter time.  I pointed out, "You know, Princess, in heaven we won't be like this.  We will both be whole."  She questioned me, "What do you mean by whole, Daddy."  I choked back the tears and answered, "I won't be so clumsy with Parkinson's anymore and you will have legs."  She stopped and pondered a moment, then replied very thoughtfully, "You know, Daddy, I think I am pretty whole just the way I am."

That is the kind of attitude she has had from day one.  

We learned of Hannah while I was attending an Adopt US Kids Summit in Washington DC.  I was in a crowded hotel lobby with over 1000 attendees scarfing down a standup sack lunch around little round tables.  One lady moved over and gave me the one spot apparently available. She was a social worker from a local adoption agency.  She shared Hannah's story with me and how desperate they were to find a placement for her. They primarily placed healthy white babies and some healthy minority children, but they had no prospects for a child like Hannah.  

Hannah's biological mother was 14 when Hannah was born.  She had come to this agency for help pretty much at the last minute.  They agreed to find a home for her child, but had second thoughts after she was born.  She was born without the Tibia (shin bone) in both legs, six fingers on one hand and no thumb on either, and both elbows fused.  She needed to be placed in a home that would have access to the needed medical care and she needed to be placed fast.  The home needed to be already pretty much adoption ready.

I began making calls to people who had expressed interest in adoption as I traveled the state.  None either met the criteria or had the desire for a child with such issues.  I have discovered that most people don't want "damaged goods".  They more than not want only the healthiest, happiest, and prettiest babies.  In so many ways Hannah met that criteria.  Oh well, their loss. 

After I returned home from the summit, Kim and I continued praying for and trying to find a home for this precious child. Remember, our family was complete now....so we thought.  We had prayed for four children, two boys and two girls, and that's what we had been given. 

After several attempts at finding her a home we began to realize it was to no avail.  It was after one of these failed attempts that i approached Kim in the kitchen as she was preparing a meal and I asked her, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  She responded with tears in her eyes, "I fear so."

We made the call and began the process.  Like Lexi, this was an intrastate adoption, but it was also a private adoption, so we had to deal with two states and a private agency.  It was twice the paper work as well as the expense.  The agency waived its normal fees but we were responsible for paying the foster care expenses as well as the court costs and such.  Maryland promised us a $13,000 grant to reimburse our costs.  Due to a legislation change though we never received the grant.  God provided though....through the graciousness of family and friends.

We went over as a family to see and get to know her at about 6 weeks.  It was about 3 months later when Kim flew back by herself, spent a week with her in her foster home and brought her home.  In retrospect, this was most definitely the most complicated adoption. Kim may disagree, but I would say it even surpassed the international adoption we went through later.  

I was arguing once with the state of Maryland over the promised grant.  I was informed that nobody was forcing us to go through with the adoption.  To be honest with you, I have spent more than $13,000 on a new car or two.  If you have ever met Hannah you will know we got a pretty good deal for the dollar.  She is most definitely a winner.

I will elaborate on her surgeries and accomplishments likely in subsequent blogs.  Let me brag a little here though.  She had her amputation at about nine months, was walking on her nubs by the age of eighteen months.  She also had several reconstructive surgeries on her hands.  Hannah was running competitively at the Endeavor Games in Edmond, OK by the time she was four years old.  The past two years she has qualified for the National Junior Disability Championships and medaled there.  At the time of this writing she holds the National Record in the 100, 200, and 400 meter sprints.  You know what, come to think about it, she is pretty whole just the way she is...

The Chosen Family: Nathaniel and Alexis, The Forgotten Prayer

Not too long after we brought Alexis home, Kim was cleaning out her purse and found a scribbled note that read:

Boy, blonde hair, blue eyes. 

Girl, brown hair, brown eyes.

By Christmas 2000. 

It took her a moment to recollect what it was about.  Then she remembered.  Several years before I was preaching on prayer.  I instructed everybody to write a prayer request down on a piece of paper and basically give it to God.  Save the piece of paper and give God the praise when the prayer was answered.

She had forgotten all about that piece of paper and I had long forgotten that sermon, but God had not forgotten the prayer.  Nathaniel Shane Hewett was born on April 1, 1999 and Alexis Michaela Ranae Hewett was born on June 2, 2000.

There were several lessons learned from this experience.  One, God remembers even our forgotten prayers.  Two, my wife does listen when I preach.  And three, those two previous children were no doubt a gift from God.

Honestly, this prayer was no new prayer. We had said we were having four children, two boys and two girls, when were engaged and newlyweds.  We had prayed over this long before it came to pass.  We had no idea the path we would take to get there, nor how long that path would be.  Here we were though.  We had our four children.  God had been so good to us.  Our family was complete....so we thought...

The Chosen Family: Alexis, Our E-Babe

Nathaniel was two years old when we moved to Tahlequah where we now live.  Dawn and Michael were both teenagers.  To be honest with you, I was content with the three we had.  We began doing foster care again and that seemed enough for me.  Not so much for Kim.  She wanted that little girl I had promised her!

I wasn't all that supportive, but she figured I didn't need to be.  Whereas in times past you went to adoption parties and such to check out the kids, now you could do it online and had the pickings of the entire country through such avenues as Adopt US Kids.  

Kim looked at several children, but she kept coming back to one particular child who happened to share her Daddy's birthdate.  That child was Alexis, a special needs child in Portland, Oregon.

Alexis was 2 1/2 years old when we got to know her.  She had been through one failed adoption, but had been with the same foster family since birth.  She was removed from her biological mother immediately following delivery, as she tested positive for meth.  Alexis was a meth baby.  At 2 1/2 she was nonverbal and barely walking and would not be potty trained until 6-7 years of age.  She was born with abnormalities in her hands and arms, as well as a cauliflower ear and profound hearing loss in both ears.  For whatever reason though, Kim fell head over heals in love with her simply by looking at her picture and bio on the Internet.

We contacted the state of Oregon and let them know we were interested.  We were one of three families they were considering.  It was nerve racking as we awaited their decision, but we finally did get their call after several weeks.  By the way, by this time Daddy was fully on board and she would eventually become a major Daddy's girl.

The first time we met Alexis was when we drove up the driveway to her foster home in our rental car just after we got off the plane. As we pulled into the driveway, she stood on the deck of her home with her foster mom smiling from ear to ear.  Remember, she was nonverbal and had only made indistinguishable sounds to this point.  Her first discernible word in her life was as Kim stepped out of the car and began walking up the driveway. Alexis reached out her hands and said very distinctly, "Ma".  She melted our hearts!

We spent a week getting to know Alexis in Portland then returned home with her as ours.  She has had much to overcome, but has steadily progressed forward from the first moment we met her.  She has had hand surgery, several ear surgeries, and eye surgery.  She has participated in physical, occupational, and speech therapy.  She has struggled against social and physical anxiety.  But she continues to triumph through it all.

She is a very typical autistic child, though we are certain her autistic symptoms are a direct result of drugs in her system at birth.  She has overcome much though.  She is walking and running with some limitations, and even rides a bike.  Though her comprehension lacks, she reads pretty much at age level.  She still has emotional outbursts, but not near as many as she did at 2 1/2 years of age.  She can be sorely bashful and yet talk your ears off at the same time.  She obsesses over some of the strangest things, yet can remember even the smallest details years down the road.

Alexis is often overshadowed by her younger more social standout sister.  Everybody is amazed at Hannah's determination and strength to overcome, as well she is an amazing girl.  Alexis too is an overcomer though.  When we first brought her home, she could not even look at you in the eyes.  She would have frequent meltdowns in crowds and strange situations.  She still struggles with crowds, but has performed frequently with her church's children's choir.  She also enjoys playing with her siblings and their friends.  She sits through church as well without incident.

Alexis is most definitely an overcomer.  She continues to grow and develop every day.  We always worry, is she going to stop maturing at some point?  But at this point she continues to mature a little more each day.  She has a tremendous heart too.  She loves to pray and make cards for those who are sick and in crisis.  I don't know how much further she will develop, but this one thing I know, even if she were not to develop even a day beyond where she is, she will always be a special young lady who is sure to touch your heart....if you give her a chance...

The Chosen Family: Nathaniel, Our Little Man

As you recall, our dream was for a somewhat large family.  We were hoping for a balance of two boys and two girls just like mine growing up.  Well, after adopting Michael, several years transpired before we had the opportunity to adopt again.  We had discussed it, but just were not given the opportunity.  We actually started the process toward doing foster care to adopt at one time, but the church I was pastoring in Southeastern Arkansas would not allow us to do foster care in the parsonage, due to prejudice within the congregation (whole other story).

Well, we didn't hang around that church long before we packed our bags and moved to Guymon, OK. The church there was very open to the idea of foster care, so we began the process again,  I am guessing Michael was about 12 and Dawn was about 14 when we completed PRIDE training for foster care.  We cared for one baby for several weeks before we learned of Nathaniel.

Nathaniel was about 10 months old when he came into our lives.  He was born into foster care.  His mother was raped at I think at about 15 years of age and was in foster care for several months before giving birth to him.  He spent the first few months of his life with her then was placed in a seperate placement.  All indications were she was a very caring person.  She just couldn't deal with the responsibility and emotional trauma of raising him conspidering the circumstances surrounding his conception and birth.

 

We had a very supportive case worker who had basically hand picked us and Nathaniel for each other.  It was a fairly traumatic experience when we first met him.  He was just ten months old but weighed close to thirty pounds.  He was a blank page emotionally.  His only movement or expression was when he seemingly got excited he clapped his feet together.  We loved him at first sight but it was scary.  We had no idea how he would develope.

Of course it was a process to make him ours, but everything moved fairly quickly. We had already been approved as foster parents so there was not a lot to do there.  His mother had already signed her rights away and his bio father of course was not even given the option, as he was in prison.

The Guymon Church was awesome!  They embraced him like he was their own.  Brother Red, our song leader, would sit in front of him at church and harass him, trying to get a response.  Honestly it didn't take long until he get him to respond.  Nathaniel would see him and smile from ear to ear.  I followed Red's lead and would have screaming contests with him.  He got pretty good at it.  Mom has not forgiven me for that one.  One of the Deacons, Bill Dawes, insisted on shaking his hand every time he saw him.  We were at the church for about three years after Nate came into our lives, before we moved on.  By the time he was two or three he was insisting on shaking hands with everybody in the congregation before church started.  He became to be known as the little man. 

He still meets that criteria today at 14.  He has developed normally.  He has some academic issues and some minor issues with his motor skills.  He plays basketball though and refs soccer, and is learning to play the guitar.  He likes to hang out with his dad when he does his disaster relief ministry and such. He is also a regular and dependable usher on our church of around 300.   He is known for his politeness by preachers and Christians throughout the state of Oklahoma.  And he's still a hand shaker. 

I'm not sure where Nate is going in life.  It probably won't require a great amount of academic prowess, but I am sure of this, He will touch lives everywhere he goes.  By the way, I still think of him as my little man....even though he is now about 5'8" and growing every day...

The Chosen Ones: Michael, It Was All Aunt Shirley's Fault

We had always said we wanted a big family.  Four children seemed like a good number....two boys and two girls, just like my family growing up. We had talked about adoption, but never seriously until after Dawn was born.  The doctors really gave us no other option.  That was ok to us.  We were kind of excited about "choosing" a child.  We didn't expect to be making that choice so soon though...

The call came just eighteen months after Dawn was born.  It was Kim's Aunt Shirley.  She knew of a single Mom carrying a little girl that needed placement for her child quickly.  The baby was due in just two weeks.  The mom was already involved in custody issues over her one year old.  Abortion had been advised, yet she had decided to give the child a chance at life.  As the due date approached, she knew she could not give the child the care it deserved, so she began searching fur prospective families.  She was determined to ave her baby outside DHS involvement..

I'm not sure how Aunt Shirley came to hear of the situation.  I am guessing she had received a call asking if she was interested.  Her and Uncle Loyd have adopted I believe eight children in their life time.  They have been a tremendous influence on our lives.  When we are particularly put out with one of the children or simply put out, our signature phrase is, "It's all Aunt Shirley's fault!"

Anyway, we had to make a decision and make it fast.  Honestly, we really weren't' ready.  We were broke and there would be much expense involved....court costs, lawyer fee, home study, and the medical costs for the mom and child.  I was working a regular full time job now and had insurance, but the likelihood of it covering an adoption seemed rather unlikely.  We had also only been married  a few years.  I wasn't even finished with school so we were still living in school housing.  Our home was a three room drafty concrete block shell of an apartment, probably about 300-400 square feet in size.

Well, it's pretty obvious what our decision was.  We went through the facade of praying over it for a few hours and seeking counsel from our friends and family, then called back a little later and told Aunt Shirley we would take her.  She of course wasn't surprised.  I am sure she knew we weren't ready as well, but I recall her saying somewhere in the process, "Just remember, these opportunities don't come often, maybe once in a lifetime at best."

Once again we were excited and anxious.  We had just two weeks to prepare for our new baby girl.  We cleared out a spot in Dawns closet and put a crib in it for the baby. The room itself was no bigger that a utility room.  We were relieved clothing was not an issue.  If the baby wasn't too big, she could wear hand me downs from Dawn.  We weren't rich but we had it all planned out.  We even had her name picked out....Emily Renee.

The next couple weeks weren't without obstacles either.  We had the financial aspect to concern ourselves with.  All together we were looking at about $10000 for medical and legal fees.  I wasn't making much more money than I did that first year either.  This was also an extremely high risk adoption.  The mother did have second thoughts even up until a few weeks after the baby was born.  We were ignorant to the risks though, excited about our baby, and looking forward to bringing her home.  As it turned out, the costs were not near the obstacle we feared.  My lawyer cousin represented us, we were not required to have a home study (I know, strange), and my insurance covered the bio mom's expenses as well as the baby.  Our judge was very adoption friendly as well.  God was most definitely in control.

Those two weeks seemed like an eternity.  But the day finally came.  It was 6:14 in the morning, December 20, 1987.  The phone awakened us. We raced into the living room and Kim answered and of course it was Aunt Shirley.  Watching Kim's.face during the call, she became extremely excited, then shocked.  I had no idea what was going on, then she began to laugh.  She looked at me and said, "John, I think we are going to have to come up with a different name..!"  I was shocked now.  First thing that came to my mind was, we don't have room for one child, let alone two.  Then she added, "Unless your comfortable naming a boy Emily!?" 

I was ecstatic!  I mean I would have been ok with another girl, but hey, we already had one of those!  I let out a yelp that even the neighbors two blocks over could here.  Actually I'm not too sure which I was more excited about, having a boy, or the clarification it wasn't twins.  We made him a junior and call him by his middle name, Michael.

Well, we got dressed immediately and headed off on the three hour trip to the hospital he was born in (Washington Regional, Fayetteville, AR).  We rushed in to see him.  We went immediately to view him in the nursery.  He was a beautiful big round chubby kid with a head full of coal black hair.  We then went to the nurses station and asked to see him.  For whatever reason that didn't fly.  Even though the adoption had been finalized (sort of) and and our name was on the crib, they said we had no legal right to see the child.  I might point out they ended up having the sheriff talk to us about it.

We didn't get to hold him that day, but we did get to see him.  We went back two days later and picked him up.  He was ours!  There were some legalities we had to take care of.  Things even got scary for a short bit as the mom  vacillated.  All in all, things went pretty well though, considering we had no idea what we were doing, our lawyer had never handled an adoption before, and it was such a high risk adoption.  

There is so much more to share about Michael.  I am sure you will read future blogs about him.  He was definitely a difficult child.  He was extremely strong willed, independent, and rebellious.  He always had an air about him though.  He was adored by just about everybody he came in contact with and pretty much still is.  He led us to multiple trips to ER, the principals office, and even the police station.  Within one month during his second year at Bible College he was voted student body president and then kicked off campus for rule violations.  

That was Michael though....and he has turned out ok I promise.  He did complete his bible college education. He has answered the call to the ministry and is currently serving as an area manager for Young Life in the Dallas area.  He is happily married and they are hoping to have a houseful of kids soon.  He has spent much time on the mission field, leading other groups as well as serving on his own.  It was through one of his trips to Africa we were connected with Emma, who would become our fifth adoption (another story).

It is amazing how God works these things out.  We could very well have said no to that phone call.  We didn't have money, time, or maturity.  We could have given up very early, but we didn't.  People often tell us what a blessing we are to these children.  I promise you, Michael, as well as his sibblings, has been and continues to be a blessing to us and those around them...