Brother Jack

Brother Jack was a deacon at my first church.  He was a good deacon and a jewel of a man.  

Now understand, Brother Jack wasn't a talker.  He stood about 6'2" or so, almost always smiling from ear to ear, but hardly ever said a word.  When he did talk his voice would crack from lack of use.

Here's the deal though, Brother Jack was a friend when a friend was in need. Why, I reckon I could call on him today to come help me in a jam, if that jam consisted of something needing fixing, and he would come running.  

Of course, sister Gloria would most likely be with him.  That's ok though.  Her and I could probably find something to cry or laugh about while we watched Jack fix whatever it was he was fixing.

This one particular time, my central ac wasn't working right.  It wasn't kicking on when it should.  

My father-in-law (a whole other blog) had looked at it.  He said the relay switch wasn't working. He took me out and showed me how to trigger it with a rubber handled screw driver and told me Brother Jack would know what to do to fix it.

Well, I took Jack over after church one Sunday morning to show him what needed fixed.  I didn't have a screwdriver though, so I took out a car key that had a plastic grip and triggered it with that.

Of course as soon as the relay made connection, I received the shock of my life.  Everything turned white and I was knocked back about three feet sprawled flat on the ground.

As soon as I had my wits about me again (as if they existed before), I looked up at Brother Jack and said, "Brother, if you were ever going to hear a preacher cuss, that would have been the time."  Brother Jack looked down at me grinning from ear to ear and said, "That was stupid."

Brother Jack may not have had much to say. What he did say though was pack full of wisdom.

My Top 10 Not So Bright Moments...

10.  I was singing in front of 200 college classmates and was just about to get irritated with two hecklers in the front row when I realized they were trying to tell me my pants were unzipped.

9.  When I was dating Kim, she hollered from across a parking lot for me to toss her the keys, so I reared back and threw them. She missed but I didn't.  The keys literally stuck into her forehead.  When I got to her they were seriously dangling off her head.

8.  I walked by my grandmother as she was bent over and I slapped her butt harder than I had intended.   She let out a holler and blurted an expletive.  This was the only time I ever heard my grandma swear and I made her do it.

7.  In an early pastorate, Michael was acting up as I was addressing the church early in the service.  He ran up on the stage and as I reached over and grabbed him, the seat of my britches ripped out.  I preached my entire message with the seat of my pants ripped out.

6.  We were at the Phoenix Zoo and a sweet young caretaker took special interest in me and my kiddos.  She was showing off a miniature deer that she was evidently especially attached to.  I couldn't hold in my stupidity any longer.  I piped in, "You reckon it tastes good?"  The sweet young lady wasn't so sweet after that remark...

5.  I took Nate camping when he was about 10 and I was obviously having bladder problems. After about my 10th trip to the outdoor toilet, Nate informed me in all seriousness, "Daddy, they have this stuff on TV called Flomax..."

4.  I had been particularly interested in a very hot female in my college World History Class.  I didn't know she was behind me one day as I was walking through a doorway and my backpack caught in the door.  As I held the door to free my backpack she began walking through thinking I was holding the door for her.  She flirtatiously said as she walked through the door, "Oh wow, chivalry is not dead!"  About that time I freed my bag and the door popped her in the face.  Chivalry might not have been dead but my chances with her were!

3.  I was sitting waiting on my pizza at Little Caesars and gas began to build up to the point of being painful.  I decided to release it quietly a little bit at a time.  I exploded gas instead.  It echoed through the crowded room as it ricocheted against the hard plastic chair.  I immediately put my phone to my ear and said "Hello dear.  Which one of the kids has been messing with my ring tones?"  It apparently worked.

2.  I was meeting Kim at our regular meeting place after class in a big crowded gathering room.  I saw her from across the room talking to a friend, snuck up and set beside  her and reached around to plant a wet one on her lips, only to discover it wasn't her.  Instead it was some unsuspecting stranger with a look of shock on her face.  As I stammered to explain myself I noticed another look of bewilderment from across the room followed immediately by a look of rage, as Kim observed my escapade. That took some serious explaining.

(Drum Roll)

1.  As a teen i had a heat rash in a very delicate location of my body.  After scratching it raw through the night, in the wee hours of the morning I became desperate for relief, so I grabbed some lotion not knowing what it was and applied it, only to discover it was Bengay.  I commenced to screaming and running through the house throwing my clothes off until I was completely naked.  I initially ran into the kitchen to the sink and began splashing cold water on it.  I then ran through my mom and dads room into their shower and found some relief.  I don't think my family ever laughed so hard.