10. I was singing in front of 200 college classmates and was just about to get irritated with two hecklers in the front row when I realized they were trying to tell me my pants were unzipped.
9. When I was dating Kim, she hollered from across a parking lot for me to toss her the keys, so I reared back and threw them. She missed but I didn't. The keys literally stuck into her forehead. When I got to her they were seriously dangling off her head.
8. I walked by my grandmother as she was bent over and I slapped her butt harder than I had intended. She let out a holler and blurted an expletive. This was the only time I ever heard my grandma swear and I made her do it.
7. In an early pastorate, Michael was acting up as I was addressing the church early in the service. He ran up on the stage and as I reached over and grabbed him, the seat of my britches ripped out. I preached my entire message with the seat of my pants ripped out.
6. We were at the Phoenix Zoo and a sweet young caretaker took special interest in me and my kiddos. She was showing off a miniature deer that she was evidently especially attached to. I couldn't hold in my stupidity any longer. I piped in, "You reckon it tastes good?" The sweet young lady wasn't so sweet after that remark...
5. I took Nate camping when he was about 10 and I was obviously having bladder problems. After about my 10th trip to the outdoor toilet, Nate informed me in all seriousness, "Daddy, they have this stuff on TV called Flomax..."
4. I had been particularly interested in a very hot female in my college World History Class. I didn't know she was behind me one day as I was walking through a doorway and my backpack caught in the door. As I held the door to free my backpack she began walking through thinking I was holding the door for her. She flirtatiously said as she walked through the door, "Oh wow, chivalry is not dead!" About that time I freed my bag and the door popped her in the face. Chivalry might not have been dead but my chances with her were!
3. I was sitting waiting on my pizza at Little Caesars and gas began to build up to the point of being painful. I decided to release it quietly a little bit at a time. I exploded gas instead. It echoed through the crowded room as it ricocheted against the hard plastic chair. I immediately put my phone to my ear and said "Hello dear. Which one of the kids has been messing with my ring tones?" It apparently worked.
2. I was meeting Kim at our regular meeting place after class in a big crowded gathering room. I saw her from across the room talking to a friend, snuck up and set beside her and reached around to plant a wet one on her lips, only to discover it wasn't her. Instead it was some unsuspecting stranger with a look of shock on her face. As I stammered to explain myself I noticed another look of bewilderment from across the room followed immediately by a look of rage, as Kim observed my escapade. That took some serious explaining.
(Drum Roll)
1. As a teen i had a heat rash in a very delicate location of my body. After scratching it raw through the night, in the wee hours of the morning I became desperate for relief, so I grabbed some lotion not knowing what it was and applied it, only to discover it was Bengay. I commenced to screaming and running through the house throwing my clothes off until I was completely naked. I initially ran into the kitchen to the sink and began splashing cold water on it. I then ran through my mom and dads room into their shower and found some relief. I don't think my family ever laughed so hard.
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