When your child goes awry....

The bible teaches us to "train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Then why isn't it? Like other admonitions from the Lord we have complicated it with man's sinful nature and our own presuppositions.

I asked in a fb post what your reaction might be if you discovered your thirteen year old child had been smoking pot for an extended time period getting high 2-3 times a week. There were and are varied opinions as to what the proper response might be. Though there is not necessarily a correct response to this scenario, there are definitely some incorrect responses and some responses that are better than others. I will note that much depends on the child, the circumstances, and the parents relationship with the child. I do know after over thirty years in the ministry, close to thirty years as a parent, and about a decade of counseling families, my approach to this issue today would be much different than it would have been with my oldest son about two decades ago.

I fear my reaction twenty years ago would have been one of much anger and physical discipline. I figure I would have stared a fiery hole through him with eyes of wrath until I finally got enough wits about me to explode but not explode too much. I most likely would have whipped my belt out, grabbed him by the arm and pushed him into the privacy of my bedroom and unmercifully wore his bottom out.

I admit this with great regret and sorrow. Many probably ask why though. After all the scriptures teach,

Proverbs 13:24
He who spares his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.

There is no doubt scriptural basis at least in the Old Testament for corporal punishment. I might point out though that this is not reiterated in the New Testament and when it is admonished in the Old Testament it is for the use of discipline, not an unleashing of anger and wrath. It is not for a venting of our own pent up emotions.

In the New Testament we are told,

Ephesians 6:4
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

In no way does this nullify the admonition for physical discipline. It does qualify it though. If all you accomplish in disciplining your child is angering them and/or instilling fear of you into them, you have not really disciplined them but instead either provoked them to wrath and further rebellion or beat them into temporary submission. Chances are they will eventually rebel against your response either in the immediate or most likely when they feel the power or freedom to resist you.

I believe there are several key ingredients to proper discipline, that if mostly followed will prove more effective than destructive in training up your child in the way he/she should go:

1. COMPASSION - Though we may become angry with our children for their actions, that anger should always be balanced with a love and compassion toward the child.

2. COMMUNICATION - We should make it clear from the beginning what we expect of our children and what the consequences if certain behaviors will be.  If you say what you mean and mean what you say, there is no reason to ever be mean with how you say it.

3. CONSEQUENCES - There should be just as much emphasis placed on the benefits of positive behavior as there are the consequences of negative.  A goal of discipline is to ensure that the child finds positive behavior more inviting than negative, therefore a balance between negative consequences and positive reward is absolutely necessary.

4. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES -: As much as possible, make the consequences natural to the infraction. An example might be if a younger child leaves his toys out you put them away and keep doing that until he has no toys remaining, but allow him to earn them back one at a time as he proves himself responsible.

5. CONSISTENCY - As much as is possible the same behavior should receive the same consequences every time.

6. COLLABORATION - Include the child in the discussion as to the results of the behavior.  Give them choices when possible.  This instills in him/her responsibility for his/her own behavior an their consequences.

7.  CONTROL - Controlled discipline is much more productive than unleashed wrath.  Anger begats anger and further rebellion  Leave room for improvement as well as further discipline.

An effective illustration of this style of discipline was reported by Vissaria Catalina Avelar, friend of my Hope Coundeiling page in reply in to my afore mentioned question:

"I am a child of an alcoholic who died due to his addiction. So this would be my approach. 1 I would take away everything that my child finds fun no tv no i pad no internet no friends until he can regain my trust. 2 I would take him to an NA meeting so that he can hear what happens and how addiction can ruin his life 3 i would make him volunteer at a shelter that helps drug addicted teens get off of the streets. So that he can see what will happen if he continues down the path that he is on. He might hate me but my love for my son is greater than his hate for me."

I am pretty much in total agreement with Victoria.  That is Natural Consequences in its purest sense.  I would qualify it with baby steps of gaining privileges and items back.  Each step toward trust gains another privilege.  I believe this would allow it be pulled off as positive if done right.  Another route would be a slight alteration in which only most, but not all, treasured privileges would be removed with each further infraction in trust leading to further consequences.    Then he/she could just the same gain privileges back.  The problem with taking everything is that it leaves nothing else to take in case of rebellion.  I am with her though.  I believe this approach would be very effective and have successfully mediated numerous such approaches with many families over the decades.


 I would probably at least consider counseling for the child as well.  I know we consider this as rebellion and following the crowd.  My experience has been much different than this though.  Children do not normally do drugs because their friends do.  More than not my observation has been that children that do drugs seek friends that do the same.  And, though it is most definitely a form of rebellion, that is not the total of it.  I have often been able to track major trauma in a person's life based on the date they report starting drug use.   They have turned to drug use as a form of self medication.  We need to be careful not to react to the rebellion and miss a deeper more serious issue that needs to be addressed.

I know this approach is different from what many of us are accustomed to.  We find it much simpler to just whip out off our belt and try to beat the rebellion out of our child. Not only is this approach less effective and sometimes even counterproductive especially in the long term, if it provokes the child to wrath, it is actually sin according to Ephesians 6:4.  We need to learn to use discipline that actually molds our children instead of simply punishes them and satisfies us.  Yes, this approach requires a bit more effort, but in the end, seeing our child grow into a productive responsible adult is surely worth the effort we put forth.

Give Us Our Schools Back!

I was just watching an interview with an area superintendent about the down side of missing so many days for snow.  The superintendent exclaimed, "We want to be in school, because we are concerned about out kids test score."  She did not qualify it with something like 'and they are missing out on valuable learning time.' Her primary concern was no doubt test scores.  I do not say this to slam this particular or other superintendents.  They are playing with the hand they are dealt.  

We started about two decades ago (believe it or not I believe under a conservative administration) trying to "fix" the public school system by requiring federal mandated testing.  Under the current administration the federal control has tightened even more and testing has increased in quantity and significance.  

You would hope as a result of this testing and federal control, our children would be smarter, but all indications are they are not.  As a matter of fact, we are being told now we rank toward the very bottom amongst developed countries educationally.  

Our solution?  It appears to be more of the same, more control and more testing. 

Folks, we have taken the role of teacher out of the school system.  I remember when we used to applaud our teachers for their creativity and skill in the classroom.  We do not do that anymore though because creativity is frowned upon.  Our teachers are now virtually robots told by the federal government what to teach, when to teach it, how to teach it, where to teach it, and exactly what kind of results their students should display.  

The result is an education system that is no longer concerned with the individual child or with education of our children in general.  It is concerned simply with whether or not our schools make the grade.  

I do not say this to slight our teachers in the least.  I believe we have some of the most talented, most caring teachers in the world.  The problem is they are prisoners to the federal government.  They are not allowed to teach any more.  

What is the solution?  I do not claim to be an expert educator.  I am a parent though, have worked in education in and around education all my life, and currently work closely with the education system.  

Maybe I am too simple, but to me the solution is simple.  Go back to the way things were at least thirty years ago before the federal government started butting in to such a large degree, to a time our children ranked high among the nations.  Give the responsibility for the education of our children back to the local community.  Let the local school board oversee the education of our children.  

Trust our communities, trust our teachers, trust the American system of centuries old.  Let the people govern the people.  Let us free our teachers to teach.  Let us take our kids back.  Let us send the federal government packing.  Let's once again lead the world in the education of our children.  Free our children to prove once again they are the best of the best..

The Perspective of a Bullying Victim

I have been reminiscing a lot lately about my childhood and teen years.  To be quite honest with you, it has been quite painful  I was not the happiest kid in the world.  Don't get me wrong.  I had an awesome family.  They were supportive and stable, and all in all I had a happy home life.  The issue was not at home.  It was at school, especially Jr High and High School.

I was bullied throughout  my growing up.  I am not sure why.  I wasn't your typical nerd.  I was a pretty normal kid as far as appearance.  I was well built, smart, and even witty.  Somewhere along the way though, somebody painted a target on my back and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't erase it.  It basically said, "I'm a loser, Pick on me!"

Actually, I do have a good idea as to why it is I became a punching bag and ridicule post for so many.  I had an extremely low self esteem.  I believe this stemmed from academic issues. I had ADHD when ADHD wasn't cool.  I honestly was one of the smartest kids in my class, but I just could not seem to get organized, complete an assignment, or consequently, make the grade. I spent many a recess and lunch period sitting in the hallway because of incomplete assignments, watching embarrassingly as the other kids walked by. This humiliation poured over into my social life.  In my mind, I couldn't do anything.

As I said, I was of decent build and fitness throughout my childhood and teen years.  I worked out with weights and jogged consistently all the way through my young adult years.  Yet, I remember one of the most humiliating occurrences I faced on a regular basis at school and in my neighborhood was when the kids picked teams to play a game.  I was always the last to be picked.  Nobody knows how this hurts until they have been there.  I recall kids who I would have thought were my friends, arguing as to who had to take me on their team.  Folks that hurt.

This honestly wasn't just on the playground.  I remember walking into the cafeteria for lunch on a daily basis and just hoping I could sneak into a table with some other kids and blend in, so nobody would notice I was alone.  Honestly, away from school it wasn't this bad.  I had kids I hung out with running around town and such.  They were mostly of a different age and such though.  At school, these friends seemed to disappear.

You will notice, I haven't mentioned much about physical Bullying.  That was an issue, but it wasn't the issue. I had kids that regularly liked to pick fights with me per se but I wasn't really that much fun.  I didn't run away and I didn't fight back.   As I said I was pretty tough.  Probably tougher than a few of the bullies.  I just never could bring myself to hit someone else.  It just was not in my scope if thinking.

That wasn't the big issue though, except for maybe the humiliation.  One of the most humiliating times was when some kids of my grade staged a fight between me and the younger brother of one if them..  It was at a basketball game.  I could easily have handled this kid, but there was no way I was going to hit a kid younger than me.  They thought it was hilarious as I stood there and let this kid punch my face.

I guess my biggest pain came in the form of rejection.   There were kids in my grade I had known my entire life.  We were a small school.  They were somewhat my friends growing up, but by the time we reached high school they had formed their own groups and I wasnt part of it. I never understood that.  I did not understand why I couldn't be a part of that crowd.  They weren't really bad kids and weren't normally the ones who bullied me.  In retrospect, the bullies were very much like me.  Bullying was just their way to get attention.  I wanted so much just to be accepted.

So what is the point of my sharing this very personal part of my life with you.  This was 30+ years ago.  I really am over it.  Honestly, It helped make me who I am, and by humanitarian standards, I am a pretty good person.  I inspire a lot of people in life in many different ways.  My years of being bullied and rejected are the building stones of my success.

I guess the reason I have shared this is one, I just needed to share it.  It is something I have bottled away for many years.  I just needed to get it out in the open and get it off my chest.

Then, I think you needed to hear it.  We hear every day of suicides and shootings involving kids with stories very much like mine.  Now, let me point out, nothing of the sort never even remotely crossed my mind.  I might add as well though that two of my best friends growing up did face tragic early endings to their lives.

The fact is I had and have a supportive family that instilled in me a strange ironic confidence for the future.  I never doubted I would succeed in life.  In spite of the academic struggles, the peer rejection, and the low self esteem, I never lost my hope.  There is my conversion experience as a teen as well that totally changed my attitude and perspective on life.  I will address that in another blog.

The fact is though, many kids don't have that kind of support.  They are not only bullied at school.  Some are bullied at home.others go through splits in the home, witness drug and alcohol addiction on a daily basis, etc.  The list goes on.  These kids hurt!

So, what do we do about it?  I'm not totally sure.  For one, punishing the bully is not the solution.  As I stated earlier, they are often victims themselves.  Honestly, punishing them will likely just make it worse.  I believe the key probably lies in erasing the target from the victims back.   Build their self esteem.  Encourage them.  Connect them where they can succeed.  Give them hope for the future.

I welcome your thoughts on this issue.  This really was from my heart.  Hopefully in some way my rambling here has made a difference for some kid somewhere.  Basically the way it would make a difference though would be through you. Love a kid, support him, and give him hope...

Our African Adoption - Stranded in Istanbul (The Rest of the Story)

I wish I could get Michael to tell this part of the story.  He is the master story teller.  We chide him as his stories tend to expand in adventure each time he tells them.  He is absorbed in his ministry right now though, doing what he does.

Now, I might inform you, this is the boy that adventure follows.  If it doesn't find him, he finds it.  He has a flare for going all out at anything he does, even if it is not something he really ought to be doing.  He probably would have played college sports but suffered at least six concussions before graduating from high school.  These concussions include four while playing football, one as he was assaulted while hanging out at Ed's in Tahlequah, and one while playing basketball. He has survived at least two car wrecks in which the car was close to totalled. His international excursions include trips to Spain, Africa, and Haiti following the earthquake, among others.  He enjoys living on the edge.  On one family trip to Branson, the story goes he managed to sneak into one of the larger Hotel/Theaters and dive off the third floor balcony into the hotel pool.  He was suspended from school on several occasions, one time for hacking into a teacher's computer and changing the grades of several students.  The list goes on.  This is only a small sampling of the adventures his mother and I have been privy to.

Anyway, back to the story at hand.  Understand this several years later and a more mature Michael than afore mentioned.  The plan was that as Jacob and I were heading Home he would be flying into Entebbe.  We expected that our Planes would honestly meet somewhere in the air.  Well, as the saying goes, things don't always go as planned, especially when it involves my eldest son.

All went well as far as getting out if the US and then things started getting a little crazy on the plane.   One passenger evidently had a bit too much to drink and went crazy running around threatening passengers and crew members.   He was finally constrained and they ended up having to make an emergency landing in France to have him removed from the plane. This of course put the plane behind schedule, so Michael ended up missing the one flight going from Istanbul into Entebbe for the next several days.  So, there he was, stranded in Istanbul, Turkey for three days.

For more details:

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-531624

As if that wasn't enough, there is more, much more.  At some point Michael caught sight of Me and Jacob entering our flight out of Istanbul heading back home.  He decided he should at least say hi.  He told the head security guy what he wanted to do, so they let him through passport security without him even presenting his passport.  Well, then he was motioned through the body bag scanner by another security guard.  Of course they then expected him to show his ticket.  When he didn't have a ticket the ticket lady called for security, but the head security guy (who let him through in  the beginning) apparently waved Michael through, so he started down the aisle to our plane.

Well, evidently, there had been a breakdown in communication.  A few seconds later he hears security running down the hallway and screaming at him.  He turned around and was met by angered security.  They grabbed him, handcuffed him, then led him away..

There he went, two security guards in front, one on each side, and two following.  They walked him down the hallway through the food court, with onlookers starring and whispering as he walked by.  It was almost as if in their eyes he was some kind of super hero or villain.   

He was led through the food court and down a stair case two floors underground to an old fashioned interrogation room.  He was interrogated for about 30-45 minutes before they finally concluded he was not a terrorist and let him go.  He then exited the stairwell into the food court a free man.  The onlookers watched him with surprise and suspicion, as they had just witnessed him being led in by a squad of security.

He made it through that fiasco only to find out he would be in Istanbul for three days before flying out to Entebbe.  To boot his luggage was lost.  My boy was stranded in Turkey for three days without luggage!

The upside was he was upgraded to first class when he finally did catch his flight.  He says they evidently found his lag gage, because he watched from the plane as they loaded everybody's but his as his was then rolled back into the airport.  He finally got his luggage five days later in Uganda.

He made it there though, and was a great help to the ladies during the time he was there.  Lest you misunderstand me, and perceive me to be critical of his free spirit, understand it was his free spirit that led him to Uganda In the first place.  It was his free spirit that found us our Emma and it was his free spirit that helped us bring him home.  It is also his free spirit that continues to touch lives today and will continue to touch lives for years to come.  Thank you,  Michael, for bringing your precious younger brother into our lives.

SIX CHILDREN BY SIX WOMEN....and men: Our Africa Adoption- A Boy Named Emma (The Conclusion ... of the Beginning...)

Well, as we enjoyed the conveniences of American society, our wives were left to fend for themselves and our boys in Africa.  We had intended that Michael, our adult son who was very well versed in the African culture, would be landing in Entebbe just after our departure.  He would be there as male protector of our families.  Women's liberation hasn't quite took hold in Uganda at this point.  Well, Michael's arrival was delayed a few days and he ended up leaving a couple weeks before the girls were ready to leave, so the girls were without male protection for much of their stay.  That was a trying experience in and of itself. 

If they went to the store or town for some reason they were reliant on either the orphanage staff or public transportation.  I promise you, you haven't experienced public transportation until you have ridden a taxi in Kampala.  A taxi was a van a little bigger than a min-van with a legal limit of I believe 15 passengers.  If they thought they could get by with it they would cram in more.  This could be a very compromising situation without male companionship, especially if she was white and did not understand their language.

Then there was the general frustration of dealing with the cultural gap.  The official language of Uganda is English, but their culture is far from Western.  They are good proud people in their own right, but what is good to them may not be so good to us.  Honestly, that is mostly one of those things I simply must qualify with, you would just have to experience it for yourself.

They were in an accident in which they discovered their driver was unlicensed and uninsured.  Then they expected Kim and Sarah to pay the penalties and insurance since he was kind of sort of in their hire.  It was then that we were fortunate that Michael was there.  They didn't pay it, but this victory didn't happen without hurt feelings.  They were also pulled over and almost arrested on one occasion.  Bribery is a common practice of coping with authority there of which they learned all too well.

The immigration process for the boys was a nightmare.  Emma's medical test raised questions, which scared us parents much.  That worked out but was scary for a bit.  Too much went wrong to recall in detail.  When it came time to come home, much like going over, phone calls were being made. in the wee hours of the night to the American embassy to get the boys cleared to come home to the US.

You know what though, as frustrating as the process was, God did provide.  The ladies made it home with our boys.  We remember all the negative, but the good from that trip far out weighs the negative.  We are now blessed with one of the most precious seven year old boys in the world.  He has mostly mastered the American language and culture.  He still has a heavy accent, but loves steak and baked potatoes.  He is a soccer whiz and cant wait to start basketball maybe next year.  He dreams of being a police officer.  Over there that has an resonance to it, but here he has learned that police officers are to be trusted.

Can you imagine the shock this boy who had hardly ever experienced temperatures of cooler than 65, when he got off the plane in subfreezing weather and saw snow on the ground for the first time ins his life?!   That was what Emma exited the airport to.  It was dark, cold, and late, but he would not get into the van until his new big brother Michael had thought him how to make his first snowball.

The trials have continued.  We did not imagine what it would be like to bring in a fourth child (into the home), especially an older four year old, and then, other than that, had been abandoned by his mother and raised in an orphanage.  The adjustments have been much for him and us, but the reward is great.

The Bully and the Wisdom of Solomon

In my counseling practice, I often encounter the issue of bullying.  This is an issue that bewilders many.  If you defend the victim, you just make things worse, but if you don't, the bullying continues.  Yet the ramifications if bullying are staggering, leading to suicides and school shootings, etc.  So what do we do?

I seriously do not have the answer to that question and not sure anybody does.  Let me bore you with a story though.

When I was in eighth grade, there was a particular "bully" that often liked to make me the target of his fists and ridicule.  On one particular occassion this fellow worked me over pretty good.  Pretty much the whole student body gathered around to witness it.  It ended when someone yelled teacher and we all scattered, including myself. Not sure why I ran.  The only thing I had done was allow my face to be a human punching bag by a kid two years older than me and 4 inches taller than me.

My face was mangled badly and my body was a bruised and muddy mess.  I went into the bathroom to clean up where I was shortly followed by our principal, Mr Wells.  I was pretty upset and not very respectful, but he understood and managed to calm me down.

He invited me into his office where he tried his best to get me to identify the perpetrator.  I refused to 'rat' on him. He knew who it was and asked me why I insisted on protecting him.  I replied so ething to the effect, "You  know, Darrell is not always this way to me.  i think if he would give me half a chance we could be friends.". (Not sure what i was thinking)

Finally exasperated, Mr. Wells called the fellow in whom he knew did it and told him quite firmly something to the effect of, "I know you did this to John.  I have no doubt you did it.  Quite frankly, it makes me very angry with you.  For some reason though, he has refused to identify you as the one who did it.  I want you to know, if he would admit that you did it, not only would you be suspended from school, you would likely be expelled.  I would not only call his parents, but would likely suggest they press charges.  You could very well be sent off somewhere.  Yet, he has chosen to not only withold your name but has even defended you.  I honestly dont know why, but he obviously sees somethinig in you i dont.  I guess consequentially you get a second chance.  i dont know about you, but this is the kind of friend i would like to have.  I don't know what you will do with this information, but i just thought i would share it with you."  

We left his office that day and i never had another ounce of trouble with that kid again.  We actually were kind of distant friends and talked on occasion after that. Folks, that was the wisdom of Solomon!