The bible teaches us to "train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Then why isn't it? Like other admonitions from the Lord we have complicated it with man's sinful nature and our own presuppositions.
I asked in a fb post what your reaction might be if you discovered your thirteen year old child had been smoking pot for an extended time period getting high 2-3 times a week. There were and are varied opinions as to what the proper response might be. Though there is not necessarily a correct response to this scenario, there are definitely some incorrect responses and some responses that are better than others. I will note that much depends on the child, the circumstances, and the parents relationship with the child. I do know after over thirty years in the ministry, close to thirty years as a parent, and about a decade of counseling families, my approach to this issue today would be much different than it would have been with my oldest son about two decades ago.
I fear my reaction twenty years ago would have been one of much anger and physical discipline. I figure I would have stared a fiery hole through him with eyes of wrath until I finally got enough wits about me to explode but not explode too much. I most likely would have whipped my belt out, grabbed him by the arm and pushed him into the privacy of my bedroom and unmercifully wore his bottom out.
I admit this with great regret and sorrow. Many probably ask why though. After all the scriptures teach,
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
There is no doubt scriptural basis at least in the Old Testament for corporal punishment. I might point out though that this is not reiterated in the New Testament and when it is admonished in the Old Testament it is for the use of discipline, not an unleashing of anger and wrath. It is not for a venting of our own pent up emotions.
In the New Testament we are told,
Ephesians 6:4
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
In no way does this nullify the admonition for physical discipline. It does qualify it though. If all you accomplish in disciplining your child is angering them and/or instilling fear of you into them, you have not really disciplined them but instead either provoked them to wrath and further rebellion or beat them into temporary submission. Chances are they will eventually rebel against your response either in the immediate or most likely when they feel the power or freedom to resist you.
I believe there are several key ingredients to proper discipline, that if mostly followed will prove more effective than destructive in training up your child in the way he/she should go:
1. COMPASSION - Though we may become angry with our children for their actions, that anger should always be balanced with a love and compassion toward the child.
2. COMMUNICATION - We should make it clear from the beginning what we expect of our children and what the consequences if certain behaviors will be. If you say what you mean and mean what you say, there is no reason to ever be mean with how you say it.
3. CONSEQUENCES - There should be just as much emphasis placed on the benefits of positive behavior as there are the consequences of negative. A goal of discipline is to ensure that the child finds positive behavior more inviting than negative, therefore a balance between negative consequences and positive reward is absolutely necessary.
4. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES -: As much as possible, make the consequences natural to the infraction. An example might be if a younger child leaves his toys out you put them away and keep doing that until he has no toys remaining, but allow him to earn them back one at a time as he proves himself responsible.
I asked in a fb post what your reaction might be if you discovered your thirteen year old child had been smoking pot for an extended time period getting high 2-3 times a week. There were and are varied opinions as to what the proper response might be. Though there is not necessarily a correct response to this scenario, there are definitely some incorrect responses and some responses that are better than others. I will note that much depends on the child, the circumstances, and the parents relationship with the child. I do know after over thirty years in the ministry, close to thirty years as a parent, and about a decade of counseling families, my approach to this issue today would be much different than it would have been with my oldest son about two decades ago.
I fear my reaction twenty years ago would have been one of much anger and physical discipline. I figure I would have stared a fiery hole through him with eyes of wrath until I finally got enough wits about me to explode but not explode too much. I most likely would have whipped my belt out, grabbed him by the arm and pushed him into the privacy of my bedroom and unmercifully wore his bottom out.
I admit this with great regret and sorrow. Many probably ask why though. After all the scriptures teach,
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares his rod hates his son,
But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
There is no doubt scriptural basis at least in the Old Testament for corporal punishment. I might point out though that this is not reiterated in the New Testament and when it is admonished in the Old Testament it is for the use of discipline, not an unleashing of anger and wrath. It is not for a venting of our own pent up emotions.
In the New Testament we are told,
Ephesians 6:4
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
In no way does this nullify the admonition for physical discipline. It does qualify it though. If all you accomplish in disciplining your child is angering them and/or instilling fear of you into them, you have not really disciplined them but instead either provoked them to wrath and further rebellion or beat them into temporary submission. Chances are they will eventually rebel against your response either in the immediate or most likely when they feel the power or freedom to resist you.
I believe there are several key ingredients to proper discipline, that if mostly followed will prove more effective than destructive in training up your child in the way he/she should go:
1. COMPASSION - Though we may become angry with our children for their actions, that anger should always be balanced with a love and compassion toward the child.
2. COMMUNICATION - We should make it clear from the beginning what we expect of our children and what the consequences if certain behaviors will be. If you say what you mean and mean what you say, there is no reason to ever be mean with how you say it.
3. CONSEQUENCES - There should be just as much emphasis placed on the benefits of positive behavior as there are the consequences of negative. A goal of discipline is to ensure that the child finds positive behavior more inviting than negative, therefore a balance between negative consequences and positive reward is absolutely necessary.
4. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES -: As much as possible, make the consequences natural to the infraction. An example might be if a younger child leaves his toys out you put them away and keep doing that until he has no toys remaining, but allow him to earn them back one at a time as he proves himself responsible.
5. CONSISTENCY - As much as is possible the same behavior should receive the same consequences every time.
6. COLLABORATION - Include the child in the discussion as to the results of the behavior. Give them choices when possible. This instills in him/her responsibility for his/her own behavior an their consequences.
7. CONTROL - Controlled discipline is much more productive than unleashed wrath. Anger begats anger and further rebellion Leave room for improvement as well as further discipline.
An effective illustration of this style of discipline was reported by Vissaria Catalina Avelar, friend of my Hope Coundeiling page in reply in to my afore mentioned question:
"I am a child of an alcoholic who died due to his addiction. So this would be my approach. 1 I would take away everything that my child finds fun no tv no i pad no internet no friends until he can regain my trust. 2 I would take him to an NA meeting so that he can hear what happens and how addiction can ruin his life 3 i would make him volunteer at a shelter that helps drug addicted teens get off of the streets. So that he can see what will happen if he continues down the path that he is on. He might hate me but my love for my son is greater than his hate for me."
I am pretty much in total agreement with Victoria. That is Natural Consequences in its purest sense. I would qualify it with baby steps of gaining privileges and items back. Each step toward trust gains another privilege. I believe this would allow it be pulled off as positive if done right. Another route would be a slight alteration in which only most, but not all, treasured privileges would be removed with each further infraction in trust leading to further consequences. Then he/she could just the same gain privileges back. The problem with taking everything is that it leaves nothing else to take in case of rebellion. I am with her though. I believe this approach would be very effective and have successfully mediated numerous such approaches with many families over the decades.
I would probably at least consider counseling for the child as well. I know we consider this as rebellion and following the crowd. My experience has been much different than this though. Children do not normally do drugs because their friends do. More than not my observation has been that children that do drugs seek friends that do the same. And, though it is most definitely a form of rebellion, that is not the total of it. I have often been able to track major trauma in a person's life based on the date they report starting drug use. They have turned to drug use as a form of self medication. We need to be careful not to react to the rebellion and miss a deeper more serious issue that needs to be addressed.
I would probably at least consider counseling for the child as well. I know we consider this as rebellion and following the crowd. My experience has been much different than this though. Children do not normally do drugs because their friends do. More than not my observation has been that children that do drugs seek friends that do the same. And, though it is most definitely a form of rebellion, that is not the total of it. I have often been able to track major trauma in a person's life based on the date they report starting drug use. They have turned to drug use as a form of self medication. We need to be careful not to react to the rebellion and miss a deeper more serious issue that needs to be addressed.
I know this approach is different from what many of us are accustomed to. We find it much simpler to just whip out off our belt and try to beat the rebellion out of our child. Not only is this approach less effective and sometimes even counterproductive especially in the long term, if it provokes the child to wrath, it is actually sin according to Ephesians 6:4. We need to learn to use discipline that actually molds our children instead of simply punishes them and satisfies us. Yes, this approach requires a bit more effort, but in the end, seeing our child grow into a productive responsible adult is surely worth the effort we put forth.
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